Well I did it, I've resigned from my little job that was supposed to be pocket money during my university times.
I've gone from having a passion for Drama and writing, to wanting to do a PGCE, to dropping the idea completely (with excessive costs, DO NOT drop out of University!!!), to doing an internship in marketing, to moving home and having absolutely NO idea what I want to do.
Let's break it down. I went to University with a love of Drama. I come from a generation where University was definitely pushed (I am academic though so it was definitely right for me), but it was also pushed that you should study what you want to study, because a degree is a degree at the end of the day.
Whilst I was at University, I was thinking about how I could boost my application for teacher training. I had many years of school work experience under my belt, but nothing that stood out. Eventually I bagged myself a bit of work experience in a local theatre helping out with their summer school programme. Then found myself sitting in a job interview a few months later and got the job as a front of house assistant. I loved it, I absolutely loved my time there. I'm such an organised person that it suited me to the ground. The more I went to work, the more I got to know the workings of the place and how I could help behind the scenes.
But it was only meant to be a temporary thing whilst I was at University.
In the mean time, I'm applying for my PGCE, and already questioning if it's right for me, but brushing it off because 'it's my goal!'
In my third year of University, I realise I'm SO loving my dissertation and writing about women in theatre. I love feminism!! I start to think about my other options - maybe I should be an academic?? But no, of course, teaching is my goal, brush it off and power through.
So I start my PGCE course, and I don't last long. The environment is too competitive and not competitive enough. It's uninspiring for me, and it's uninspiring for the children. I begin to realise that teaching of the arts in a world that pushes away creativity is not for me. And maybe the arts isnt for me. I'm disheartened and my spirits are dampened and I sign a form to withdraw from my PGCE course, pushing away my creativity and my love of writing.
I go back to my little theatre job, with an impending sense of doom washing over me. In the horizon I have a little internship lined up - but it's not something I've achieved from my own merit, I find out later that everyone who applied got a place.
The marketing internship was great, I learned a lot and developed a lot of my skills. But I'm not sure it's what I actually want to do. The entire time I found myself racking my brain for other options and pathways.
So here I am:
I love writing academically, but I'm unsure if I want to pursue that, and by the time I decide I'll have forgotten how to write.
I've left my job. It isn't the best decision I've made, but it was right. I felt tied down to a casual job that prevented me from looking for something new.
I've applied to several different kinds of jobs. Unsure if I want to do any of them.
And I'm sitting at my laptop on a Wednesday afternoon with 'Baby-Faced Brides' on in the background, having a crisis about the rest of my life.
To be continued..
